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Occasionally you just get cottage cheese on your gun. It's part of life.

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---"My name is Inigo Montoya, I want to find the man who killed my father"


---"Nice to meet you Inigo, my name is Sue...I want to kill my father."

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Goosing your wife while she's pouring gas into a lawn mower is a bad idea.

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To all the girls I've loved before..........Thanks for nothing, bitches.

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I woke up this morning with a terrible hangover, laying on a sticky bathroom floor, with a dog's butt in my face....and the day went downhill from there.

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When cow tipping....push from the side of the cow, not the back.

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Sure, cats are cute and sometimes even helpful but never forget....if they could kill you and eat you, they would.

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Drinking and driving....bad idea. Texting and driving....bad idea. Painting your toenails and driving....VERY bad idea.

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I know Jabba the Hutt was a disgusting slimeball but DAMN!!!! That guy could play a harmonica.

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I must seek this starfish...I too, am a master of the immobile arts

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When I think about Jessica Rabbit....I touch myself.

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When a 6 year old boy tells you to smell his finger....Don't do it!!

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Any song that has the word "monkey" in it is automatically cool.

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My wife said I was like an idiot-savante, except for without the special abilities

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My God in Heaven....Diet pepsi SUCKS!!!!!!

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I smoked weed with Willie again. I came to asking myself 2 things, why am I licking my cell phone and why does it taste like tingly cheese?

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Why do 5 year old boys ALWAYS smell like ketchup? Even after being cleaned.

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 Being obsessed with Star Wars AND having voices telling me what to do is interesting in the least. But I'm not sure what my Chewbacca voice is saying....I can't speak Wookie.

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Mardi Gras was great but the closest I came to sex was with the TSA agents.

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OK, when buying dog collars to wear for fashion, do NOT get flea collars!!

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I have had barbequed iguana in Tijuana....frankly, it's overrated.

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If you've ever spanked your monkey while listening to the song "Shock the Monkey" you might be a....well, you might be me.

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Everytime I kiss all the cowboys and shoot out the lights I get my ass beat.

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They say question authority....but everytime I do I end up getting tazed.