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Do NOT wear assless chaps to Southern Baptist church

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When the wife is in PMS mode, do NOT use weedeater in the house.






If nothing else...I bet Danny Bonaduce would like my blog.

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A quiz today. Yay!!!

Do not try to "mount"...

A) A rose bush
B) A porcupine
C) Chuck Norris
D) All of the above

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Opening the front door to let 200 lb mastiff hump Jehovah's Witness was wrong....but hilarious.

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I don't regret the choices I have made...I just regret making them under the influence of alcohol.

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Ironic...my Shar-pei doesn't like Chinese food. Go figure.

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If you wake up in the morning and you're all sticky....there's a good chance you had an interesting night.

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Can you guess which key has superglue on itttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

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A hookah is an inappropriate gift for a 10 year old.

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How pathetic am I?

I went to Funkytown, found Electric Avenue, thumbed my way to the Love Shack but still ended up Dancing with myself.

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I'm going to invent a remotemerang. So when I'm watching football on TV and I throw the remote it comes back to me.

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I suffer from from from involuntary typing repitition syndrome syndrome.

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I was EMO when EMO meant emotionally unstable...not broody and whiny.

I like nail guns too. 

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How did baseball survive prohibition?

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I think the white powdered wigs are due for a comeback.

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Baby Huffington, tastes like...rabbit..actually.

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Do not get Tabasco sauce on your genitalia.

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Went to the gas station last night...the girl with the big knockers was there. Talk about Orbs of Confusion.

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Am I the only one who listens to gangsta polka?

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I can honestly say that I've never had "special" feelings for any farm animal....but the day is young.

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Do NOT karaoke "It's Raining Men" at a biker bar. Ever!!

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Yay Boobs!!!!!!

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Am I the only one who wants more Barbara Manatee?

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Bigfoot sightings down, Wookie sightings increase....news at 10.

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Perhaps investing in mega mall in Gobler Missouri was a bad idea....stupid Magic 8-Ball.

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Willie Nelson does not care on which side you pass the dutchie.

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Sea Monkeys taste like chicken....very small chicken.

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Guns and alcohol do not mix...neither do six year olds and Super glue.

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You know you're old when a good massage is better than sex.

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Why do zombies always go for my crotch?