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I wish my last name was Anduradikkead.

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If I was Elmo I'd shank Baby Bear. Annoying bastard.

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Miller Lite saying their light beer is more "manly" than other light beers is like saying your bra is more manly. It's friggin light beer you pansies!!!

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Halloween is all fun and games until someone starts shooting at the zombies.

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Glow-in-the-dark beer would be so cool.

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My Dad used to pull a bass boat with a Thunderbird...does that make us rednecks?

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Everyone says my son is just like me. Now I understand why Mom drinks.

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Money can't buy me love but it can buy me fireworks and beer...and that's still pretty sweet.

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I am one of the few lucky ones. I have been to Flippin Arkansas. The words "Hello and Welcome to your Flippin Wal-Mart" are forever burned into my memory. Good times.

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Joe Stampley was right...they will lock you up for driving 120 through town. Go figure.

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Some people overdress, some people underdress. Me? As long as I have a dress I'm cool.

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Setting the Monopoly board on fire because I lost is NOT a good lesson for me to teach my son.

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Lesbians are just every other woman on the planet. They're not interested in me.

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When someone says "Make yourself at home" it does NOT mean to strip down to my pantyhose and demand that everyone call me Uncle Tammy.

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I wonder who would win in a fight between Robert Loggia and Gene Hackman.

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Is it possible to make money being an inaction hero?

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I don't know about you but in my case bad choices often tastes like cheap whiskey.

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A big thumbs up to those who risk their lives to keep us safe.

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Do not get high with scientists. They will confuse the hell out of you.

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Sometimes epic mustache is enough.

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Cheap gin hangovers and Hungry Hungry Hippo's do NOT mix.

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Screaming like a banshee and pooping on the customer service counter is not the appropriate way to try and return a defective toaster.

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I will neither confirm nor deny reports that I was kicked out of Wal-Mart for licking the new tires.

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I don't know if Alton Brown mentioned them or not but White Castle is good eats.

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I wonder what fried hummingbird would taste like.

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I am self destructive....but lovable.

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It's not a good sign when your psychiatrist looks at you and asks "WTF is wrong with you?"

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Would it be wrong to grab a Sharpie and draw a little mustache on my cat?

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I'm generally not aroused by cartoons.

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Some people drive offensively, some defensively. I just like to go as fast as I can and run into people so I guess that makes me special teams.

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I don't care how depressed you are...the song "Amos Moses" by Jerry Reed will bring a smile to your face.

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If I ever do become famous, there's gonna be people all over the country from my past asking "How did THAT asshole become famous?"