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Come on people, it's a rabbit that talks...let him have the damn Trix!!

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The only thing we have to fear is fear itself....and zombies. Oh, and amorous hillbillies.

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I need a TV show. The Mythbusters blow up an old cement truck and it's OK. I blow up a cement truck and I get arrested.

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Vodka, the Breakfast of Чемпионы

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Note to self...don't do acid and go to a Pentecostal church.

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The nice old lady at the post office is not interested in my hemorrhoid issues.

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Do NOT eat ribs while driving a stick shift.

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Dean Wormer said that fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life....unless, of course, one plans to get into politics.

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"A Christmas Story" taught us not to stick our tongue to frozen metal, I'm here to tell you that applies to other body parts too.

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Happy Willie Nelson Day!!!!!

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I don't want to get into the whole gun control debate but modern science has proven that it is impossible to rape someone after you've been shot in the face 9 times.

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The people who did Schoolhouse Rock should be in charge of the Department of Education.

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Using Magic 8-ball to determine my sexuality was....irrational.

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Why is "Oldest man in the world dies" a news story? Am I the only one who saw this coming?

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My integrity is NOT for sale


Will consider leasing, contact me for details.

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Hanging a misteltoe at a workplace....Sexual harassment lawsuit.

Hanging a mistletoe in a submarine full of men....fabulous!!!

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I guess the one good thing about being dirt poor with terrible credit is that I don't worry about my identity being stolen.

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Goth girls....weird, but easy. Thumbs up!!!

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I was at the gas station a few minutes ago when a group of Mexican guys walked in. They were talking to each other in Spanish and I thought to myself, "I bet they're talking about that chick with the big knockers"

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Well I've been in Hollywood for a month now, am I the only person who has NOT had sex with Madonna?

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Larry said it and I believe it....if it doesn't have a tail, it's not a friggin monkey!!!!

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Lighting my farts on fire does not impress the preacher's wife.

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"How the Grinch Stole Christmas"---HUGE

"How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day"---Not so much

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The three second rule does NOT apply when you drop food in the toilet.

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I have a dream that, perhaps someday, my child can live in a world free from hate.

I also have a dream that, perhaps someday, that chick with the big knockers at the gas station will talk to me.  

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Before you puke in the toilet....flush it.

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"Charlie Sheen bat-shit crazy" is now an accepted medical term. Go figure.

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The sight of my child happily playing is possibly the best sight in the world....although the sight of Elizabeth Hurley showing up at my front door, nekkid....with beer, would probably rank pretty high too.