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Frozen Coke's are awesome. Watch out for brainfreeze.

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In my warped little mind, Reese's Pieces are healthier than M&M's.

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Golden corral sucks.

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Plants should be smoked, not eaten.

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Fried chicken is NOT a sensual food.

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The Safety Dance....unsafe if you're driving.

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Fireworks are awesome. I love this time of year. My fainting goats.....not so much.

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Do not confuse Terro and hand sanitizer.

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I'm not cool enough to wear a cape everyday.

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Attempt to train wasps has been.....painful.

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High grade Stinkbombs----$15

Paying friend to covertly drop stinkbombs----$50.00

Watching the video of my cheating ex-fiancee's wedding to her "new man" being ruined by the noxious smell?---Priceless.

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Perhaps teaching brachial stun technique to 6 year old son was irresponsible, but I bet that Grandpa won't scare him again.

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I wonder if the lawnmovers in Star Wars use lasers to cut the grass.

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The lead singer for Chicago was named Peter Cetera, not "WTF is his name?"

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Does Lady Gaga have talent? I don't know but she sure as hell has more money than you

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The Blues Brothers....HUGE!!!

The Polka Brothers, not so much.

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When talking about Supper to the girl with the big knockers at the gas station, next time remember....we had kabobs, not kaboobs.

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If I was rich, I'd hire out of town private eye's to spy on all the people who run the city I live in....you know, just in case at some point in the future I need a bargaining chip. I'd also probably buy a lot of string cheese cuz I really like that stuff.

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You know....if it did "Rain Men", I doubt that ANYBODY would be happy. Especially the men falling from the sky.

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Just for the record, the Highway Patrolman did NOT appreciate the Silly String attack on his car at 65 MPH. But I did get handcuffed, which, as you know, I always enjoy.

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Rubbing my belly with mustard while talking to Mormon missionaries makes them....uncomfortable.

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In theory I'm a vegetarian. In practice....not so much.

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If the 85 Bears would have had Chuck Norris they would have ruled the world.

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I'd pay good money to see RuPaul beat the crap out of "Reverend" Fred Phelps.

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Rolly is pissed, Pilchard ate the bird.

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Wade Garrett was right...don't eat the big white mint.

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Farting on people is NOT an acceptable display of affection.

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Do not lick flyswatter, even on accident.

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The Beach Boys are crazy. The West Coast may get the sunshine and the girls may all get a tan but in general...California girls are looney.

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Smokey Bear, I'm sorry for pepper spraying you yesterday when you came into our campsite. I didn't see the Drill Sergeant hat.

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If you like my blog there is probably something wrong with you, or you're high.

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I can never please anyone. Mom is upset that I took Dad to a brothel for Father's day.

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For Father's day I want a new chainsaw....with a grenade launcher. Oh, and a bottle opener.


Yay!!! I like tingly feelings in certain places!!!!

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Don't call your preacher while you're drunk.

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Napalm is not the answer.

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You know...if White Castle delivered, it would rule the world.

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AARRGGHHH!!! I don't care if you buy an extension cord that's 14 friggin miles long....it's still gonna be 18 inches too short.

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Do not play 'sack tap' with muscular German of questionable masculinity.

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You know the Diet Coke and Mentos thing? Yea, umm, don't do it in the car.

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Construction workers do not whistle at men in miniskirts. Well except for that one time, but I did look damn good.

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Are you still technically drinking alone if you have multiple personalities?

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Turning my station wagon into a convertible was harder than expected.

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Must learn to control bowels when making speech.

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Road construction workers do not appreciate me moving the orange barrels to various and random places.

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When the driver of a car is "Detroit leaning" what is the passenger supposed to do without looking goofy?

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I bet Barf would chase Catwoman.

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Imagination movers...not as creepy as the Wiggles.

Bonus thought...Do not poke enraged honey badger with a stick.

Extra bonus...If the zombie pirates ever learn Ninja skills we're gonna need those flying sharks.

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Perhaps I should have put more thought into my theme song. "Dare to be Stupid" does NOT inspire confidence in people.

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Alcohol enhances your ability to make bad decisions.

Marijuana reduces your ability to ANY decisions. 

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When buying timeshare property in Jamaica, make sure it is NOT Jamaica Iowa.

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If I was Bob, I'd have Spud melt Lofty down as a warning to the others to stop screwing around.

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Important food safety tip. Do not buy bulk shellfish from the back of an old pickup, in the middle of Nebraska.

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Do NOT use $700 iPad 2 to smash big scary spider.

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A shot rang out, the wife bolted into the living room. The TV was sizzling and I was holding a smoking gun. Screaming, she asked why I shot the TV. I told her Caddyshack 2 was on....She said "Oh OK"

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Having a chainsaw fetish is painful and requires commitment and determination.

I like Pop Tarts

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Yay!!!! My copy of "Drunken Idiot Magazine" came today!!!! They're having a special article on politicians this month.