Random thought

If you've ever ridden around naked, in a "borrowed" beer truck, you might be a...well, you might be me.

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Until you provide video proof that I was standing on the fire truck, naked and shaking my "money maker", I will continue to deny these allegations.

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Yay!!! It's Friday!! My redneck side is all fired up. Time to get beer, crank up some Vern Gosdin and have sex with something.

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My wife once called me a Hee-Haw version of Mr Bean.

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If I was a vehicle I'd probably be a Ranchero or an El Camino. Generally useless but still occasionally interesting.

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You know...I bet flying snapping turtles would be a pain in the ass while you're fishin.

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Caillou...Canada's annoying answer to Charlie Brown.

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heyy.....this vodkka brekfast thiing aint 2 bbad.

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All plans for world conquest will have to wait until we get more beer.

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My wife was right..my gigolo business went nowhere fast.

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Objection your Honor..Only 2 of my personalities are criminals.

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I blame the rising mental health issues on the death of Bob Ross. He was America's chill pill.

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People call me lazy. But honestly..if I had more energy I'd probably be a criminal so I reckon I'm just taking the honorable choice.

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My political position is radical centrist.

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Faking Tourette's syndrome and cussing at random times was socially insensitive..but still pretty damn funny.

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I got kicked out of the Klan last night. They found out about the huge Aretha Franklin Tattoo I have on my back.

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According to my wife..taking a piss in the refigerator IS punishable by spanking my face with a fly swatter.

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My son pinches his nipples when he gets frustrated. Should I discipline him or say "Yep..that's my boy."

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I wish me and the wife were more bendy.

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My credit score must be LOL.

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WTF!! When did I start speaking English?

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The stonder I git..the worsterer i tipe

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Yoda....banned from Vegas.

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I like to play with my belly button while I tweet.

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Sometimes I forget to finish my senten

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Shooting stupid people should only be a misdemeanor.

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If I were a cop I'd get a remote control airplane to drop stinkbombs on protesters.

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Smurf tastes kinda like....Fraggle.

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There are many martial art styles around the world. My personal favorite is "The way of Jerry Mouse". When faced with someone who intends to do you bodily harm, pick up something heavy and beat the hell out of them with it.

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Failure is not an option. However, changing our definition of success is.

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My 4 cylinder station wagon will not jump obstacles as well as the General Lee.

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Perhaps I should have put more thought into the idea of waking up my wife with a realistic looking toy spider.

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The video of me telling the governor that I hate "poor people" has been....detrimental to my political ambitions.

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I hate haters...wait, what?

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It's a shame that humans hunted mermaids to extinction.

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When I stopped smoking I gained so much weight the Dr told me to go back to smoking...it'd be healthier.

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STD's do NOT stay in Vegas.

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The wife texted me and said she's feeling "Randy". I told her I can't wait for her to come home. "No" she says, " I'm feeling a guy named Randy.

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Captain's log.

Stardate-Unsure

Before doing Jello shots off of LT Uhura, give command of the ship to Spock.

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The pen may be mightier than the sword but for a lightsaber, you're gonna need a Sharpie.

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I am ashamed of my unicorn hunting days.

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Letting Students watch Mr. Bean all day is not immersing them in British culture.

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Getting drunk and calling the wife's boss is not conducive to her long term employment.